Longing for a New Place

This picture depicts what I'm asking of God right now. Do you see Elley-bell sitting peacefully? She did this twice when she was staying at our house. When she spotted Laney in the swing, she would pull up a chair and watch her. I found it so sweet that she would think to do that, and would enjoy doing it for such a long time! It's this kind of peace (in my God) that I truly want. Lately, I seem to be so exasperated with my older children. Leah cries at the drop of a hat, sometimes when she's scared of being left at VBS, but most often when she doesn't get her way. We do have pleasant moments, of course, but the drama is frankly draining me. Luke has been flaunting a rather defiant attitude and is constantly arguing back, questioning what I tell him, or being mean to Leah. The worst moments have been when I've found pictures of me that he drew with my face crossed out or times that he's called me "mean" or the "workingest mom ever" when I ask him to do chores or reading before playing with friends. Honestly, it's been defeating. I've felt like a ball of nerves many days. I've talked to, disciplined, and prayed with my kiddos. I question myself: what am I doing wrong? How have I lost the control? Oh, there's the word again! Control! It's the apple I long for, isn't it? I may not be able to associate with the whole "naked and unashamed" part in Eve's story, but I can definitely relate to the desire she had to be "like God." Oh, that ugly sin rearing its head in my life over and over. And so God uses my children to bring me to the end of myself again. If you read my blog, you'll see that I learn this same lesson all the time, really. Here's a good quote from a book I'm reading: "Most of us want quick solutions to our problems. We have more interest in immediate deliverance from pain than in what God wants to teach us through the pain. But the Father does not let us escape; he lets us alone until we become fed up with our own self-centered attitudes. When a healthy despair of self sets in, then God begins quietly to breathe into us a new teachability." (from the book "From Fear to Freedom" by Rose Marie Miller). Oh, and I must share the difference between healthy despair and unhealthy despair, 'cause, well, it's just plain good. "Healthy despair drives you to drop pretenses and seek God from the heart. It ends with a real beginning - new life energized by grace. Unhealthy despair drives you into the role of victim, in which all responsibility is denied and blame is shifted to others. It ends with immobilization, intense self-preoccupation, and false humility." Yeah, that's good stuff. And as I pulled the old open-and-read method of bible study today, I landed in Ephesians where I read again a prayer that I made mine:
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory..." Eph 4:14-21
I know that Paul was praying this for others, but I just prayed it for myself. If I can ever hope to communicate who God is to my kids, I must first know Him myself. Obvious, I know. Still, I get off-track so easily. Well, my kids are back from playing with the neighbors, and hungry, so adios for now. My next post will be more fun - some pictures from our "Minute to Win It" challenges that we've done at home. Great boredom busters!